Some days I can’t do it. I just don’t have it in me to do what I need to do with a good attitude. Everything seems really hard. I just need them to go to school.  I need to not for a while. I need to not worry about the dishes and the laundry and what is for dinner.  I wake up with the life sucked out of me. I am used up and then, I have a morning like this one.  I wouldn’t trade my life and family for anything but sometimes I need a break from it. Today may be such a day.

I now wake up at 5:30 am on my own before the baby is awake. I look at the clock.  “Seriously? I don’t need to wake up yet.” I think loudly to myself.  I close my eyes again but I know any attempt at a few more minutes of sleep are futile.  Gigi is also awake.  It’s about an hour and a half before she is normally up. Not good.  I am not awake yet and not ready for her standard level of activity quite yet. I open her door.  She is, of course, naked as a j bird and raring to go.  I proceed with the repetitive directions required to get her to put clothes on so we can go downstairs.

Next, she wants coffee which I prepare and set in front of her.  It’s decaf.  Not that we would notice the difference if it wasn’t. She sucks it down in seconds.

The phone rings.  Early to be getting calls.  It is Andrew calling from the bedroom wondering if I can come and let him out.  Gigi had, apparently, hooked him in. We had installed a little hook and eye on our bedroom door in a n attempt to keep her out of our room when she was younger. She has used it against us more than once at this point. We should probably take that down.  Add it to the list.

I go upstairs and let him out.  Zeke is also awake by then, so I grab him out of his crib and bring him down.  I change the laundry loads.  I make some toast and cut up a pear for Zeke.  Knowing I am taking a risk, I go to the bathroom.  I hear the sounds of Gigi getting into things and shout at her from the bathroom to leave it alone. When I emerge moments later, there is half a loaf of bread in pieces on the counter, the creamer is  gone, and there is a broken jar of salsa on the floor.  I immediately start muttering curse words. I cut myself on the glass while cleaning up the broken jar. Gigi goes upstairs and gets in the bath. I go upstairs and get her out of the bath and get her dressed AGAIN.  I escort Gigi downstairs to spend some time with her father.

I put water on to boil for Gigi’s lunch. She appears before it has a chance to boil and she would like it to be done right now. I tell her to go eat the bread that is everywhere. She makes an effort in that direction. She comes back to check the mac and cheese status and is not happy with it. She absconds with the cheese and the spatula.  I tell her to bring it back and leave it alone. She does. Sort of. She makes sad noises and bites her arm. I worry about her baby brother getting caught in the crossfire.  He doesn’t know to stay out of range in this situation.

Andrew appears and promptly goes into the bathroom. Super helpful!

Gigi heads to the backyard. I am happy for a peaceful moment but she is going to school in that clothes, so I bring her in. I put her lunch together. Andrew deals with Gigi’s meltdown, feeds her some more, and fixes her hair. I change a stinky diaper. They head for the car. Andrew comes back to get Gigi. Then, he comes back to get his keys and wallet. He asks Zac where they are. Turns out they were in the car. Gigi claimed Andrew’s coffee while he was out of the car. They drive away. I am relieved. I feel like I could have done that better. It is 8:30 am.

Nowhere to go but up. I feel like I have been put through the wringer. I am going to take a minute. Then, I will worry about the laundry and the dishes and what’s for dinner. I can’t help myself. Then, maybe I will take a walk or read a book. Tomorrow, if the good Lord is willing, I will get another chance to have a good morning.